


I Choked-Out a Cockroach (Because My Lab Partners are Weak)

by Clever_Girl_22



Series: Akatsuki Gift Exchange 2020 Content [3]
Category: Naruto
Genre: (kisame is unfortunately), Akatsuki Gift Exchange 2020, Alternate Universe - College/University, Bonus Gift, Dubious Science, Fluff and Crack, Gen, Lab Practicals, M/M, based on entirely true stories from my entomology lab, hope y'all aren't squeamish, stocking stuffer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:26:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28333830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Clever_Girl_22/pseuds/Clever_Girl_22
Summary: Zetsu's insect collection is due in two hours, but it looks like he isn't done with the massacre just yet. Lord knows if his lab partners would've ever managed to get through theirs without his help.
Relationships: Hoshigaki Kisame & Uchiha Itachi, Hoshigaki Kisame/Uchiha Itachi, Zetsu & Hoshigaki Kisame & Uchiha Itachi
Series: Akatsuki Gift Exchange 2020 Content [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2092200
Comments: 4
Kudos: 16
Collections: Akatsuki Gift Exchange





	I Choked-Out a Cockroach (Because My Lab Partners are Weak)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [JacarandaBanyan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/JacarandaBanyan/gifts).



> Heck yeah another bonus let's get it; this is for the one and only Kisame! Go check out their cool content @ jacarandabanyan on Tumblr!
> 
> Fun fact: all and everything that occurs in this drabble is 100% true; shit's wild when you're a field scientist. If y'all like this, be sure to look out for my fic for Shino Week (cuz you know that boy studies bugs) and my Akatsuki Frat multi-chapter fic (Zetsu is basically a passive-aggressive Lorax lowkey).
> 
> Enjoy!

"Bro, you're _joking!"_

"Give me your switchblade."

"But, you're not gonna _stab_ them with it, are you?"

"Kisame I'm a scientist, not a butcher; I need to open the package."

Zetsu sat on a large rock, Kisame and Itachi adjacent to him. It was the weekend, and while Zetsu typically attended one of the numerous "School Strike for Climate" protests downtown, he was currently sitting at the lake's edge of his university's campus. Together, he, Kisame, and Itachi had all worked tirelessly on their Entomology lab's massive practical: an insect collection of over a hundred-plus identified orders and families. It had been a long and gruelling semester, the boys rounding up as many on-campus specimens as possible, scouring the land armed with only a butterfly net and an Ethanoyl kill-jar.

Zetsu had encountered plenty of troublesome captures: he had chased down a dragonfly two miles around the campus baseball field, covered in mud and swamp water while the the varsity team (including Pein and Hidan) goggled on; he had peppered sprayed a mugger while hunting for cabbage moths in the middle of the night; and he had spent three solid hours in the campus backwoods searching under rocks for earwigs. Zetsu was a true field scientist--relentless, inquisitive, and willing to do anything in his power to get the best results.

And that meant _anything._

 _"Please_ don’t cut yourself.” Itachi warned.

Zetsu scoffed under his breath and put the package onto his lap, grabbing Kisame's pocket knife and slicing precisely through the thick packing tape. The trio were all short one order and family, and with the cold weather rolling in swiftly, Zetsu had reverted to less... _ethical_ practices. Once he had snapped the cardboard box open, he sifted through the liability waivers, the feeding directions, and the US Fish and Wildlife permits until he found what he was looking for: a plastic container, roughly the size of a football.

Zetsu smiled with satisfaction; Kisame gulped and clung further to his boyfriend.

"So, what's the plan?" He asked.

Zetsu hummed, "I'm going to carefully drip from Ethanoyl into their enclosure through an opened lid, then we wait."

The case of cockroaches thrummed and shook with the force of roughly a dozen or so inhabitants, their acute sense of smell alerting them to the nearby affixation. 

"You should try to do it, Kisa." Itachi suggested in a rather teasing tone.

Kisame shook his head, _"Hell_ no--let the professional handle this. I _hate_ bugs."

"And yet you are still in need of this lab to graduate." Zetsu murmured.

Kisame's face contorted into a frown while Itachi head-butted his shoulder affectionately; the deal was, since they all pitched in for purchase and shipping, that each friend was going to use a cockroach for their own separate collection--they would tell Dr. Haruno they'd all found a nest living in the equipment closet of the pool after one of Kisame's swim or polo practices. It was necessary; Zetsu hadn't received anything lower than an A- yet in his field studies, and he wasn't about to let something as silly as moral ethics get in the way of _that._

Zetsu held out the habitat to his friends, "Would either of you like to try before I do?"

Itachi shrugged, while Kisame seemed to be contemplating the situation. Finally, the swimmer took the plastic. His partner began clapping lightly in encouragement (although Zetsu thought mockery would be a more appropriate emotion to express). 

_"Alright,_ give me my knife," Kisame said, determined, "I'll cut it open and dump the stuff in."

Zetsu nodded, "Be prepared for the shaking; they will converge to the bottom and vibrate rapidly to shake away the poison."

Itachi shot him a glare, but Zetsu didn't care; the sooner they got this done, the sooner he and Tobi could watch _How to Get Away with Murder_. Kisame drew in a few deep breaths, Itachi scooching off his lap to give me some space. Zetsu kicked his legs up on a rock and watched with pure amusement.

"Alright, I can do this."

*****************

After almost twenty minutes, it became very clear that Kisame, in fact, _could not_ do it; Zetsu sighed heavily and snatched the cockroch container away from the swimmer, the whole time Kisame rambling how he felt bad for the critters while Itachi nodded along with sympathy. Zetsu took Kisame's knife again--time to perform accordingly.

"Alright, both of you, have your jars ready," He instructed, "Once I cut the lid off, I'm dumping in enough to stun them; the Paris Plaster should finish them off."

Together, the trio loosen their jars, bits of dried insect remains flaking off the lids and glass lining. Zetsu then slowly sliced through the sealing tape around the lid, holding the habitat between his legs while his free-hand searched for an Ethanoyl vial; Itachi watched on, amused, while Kisame looked appalled at the occurring situation. Then, Zetsu snipped off the last of the tape.

"Alright, ready?" He asked calmly.

The other two nodded, though with less conviction than Zetsu was hoping for.

 _'This is why they aren't studying conservation.'_ He thought glumly.

In a swift motion, Zetsu ripped off the lid and doused the cockroaches in the fluid, Kisame and Itachi screaming in response to the insects' mad dash towards the container's bottom. Zetsu hummed in satisfaction, watching the roaches writhe and shriek in response and moved to hold out the plastic cup to his lab partners for collection.

"Here," He said, "See, it's not that--"

 **_"Fuck!"_ ** Kisame cried.

A cockroach vaulted itself out of its enclosure, landing directly on Zetsu's arm. Itachi and Kisame immediately dove off of their rocks, dropping their now-closed jars and backing away. Meanwhile, Zetsu's response was lightning quick:

 _"Oh, no you_ **_don't!_ ** _Come_ **_back here!"_ **

With one swipe, he snatched the poor roach into his bare hands, making a slight opening between his thumb and forefinger and pouring the remains of his vial into it. The insect bounced and clawed at its makeshift prison, but it was no use; within minutes, the creature was dead by affixation. Zetsu carefully opened his hand to peek in at his handiwork.

"Well, _that_ was unexpected." He finally said.

"Dude, that was _wild!"_ Kisame cried, still peeking from behind a nearby bench, "Please don't _ever_ do that _again."_

Zetsu smirked, "You are just weak."

"Okay, sure." Itachi grumbled, huddled close to his partner.

Despite the events, Zetsu smiled to himself, dumping his specimen into his kill-jar and sealing it up. He was willing to do just about anything for the perfect results, and dammit, that truly did mean _anything._ Kisame and Itachi cautiously took their own cockroaches, squealing in fear as a few of them twitched when poked with their tweezers. 

"This is _horrifying,"_ Kisame goraned, "I wish I had taken Hydrology."

"Don't we all." Itachi echoed.

"Don't complain. You got yourselves a few handsome _Blattodea Blattidae_ for your collection; without these specimens, neither of you would have a complete collection for tomorrow." Zetsu remarked.

Together, once they were finished harvesting their own specimens, the trio rose and vacated the place, Kisame chattering on how he was going to mail his extra ones to Deidara and Sasori back at their house, while Itachi vowed to send his extras to Konan and Kakuzu. Zetsu hummed in approval; they had all a respectable collection (well, he _had_ done most of the work for them).

"Say, what are you going to do with your extras?" Kisame asked, "Mail them to Tobi?"

Zetsu scoffed, "Posterous. If anything, I will simply leave them under his pillow when I get back."

Itachi and Kisame snickered, while Zetsu smiled to himself; he _always_ had the perfect plan.

**Author's Note:**

> Gah we need more Zetsu content (which I am more than happy to supply). Kisame, my dude, I hope you liked it!
> 
> As always, comments and constructive criticism are appreciated; stay safe and enjoy the holidays!


End file.
